'You Stole my Land' and Other Great Excuses

As I have stated before in other stories, when I was younger I really loved me some marijuana. I would smoke all the time. I would smoke in between classes, after school, in a box (really), and with a fox. After saying that, here comes another tale from the book of weed.

98% of my high school career.

One beautiful sunny day in high school, I was sitting in my Psychology class waiting for the day to end. My teacher, the long legged Fire Bush, sashayed into class clutching a stack of papers warm from the copier;

"Afternoon class. I hope you are ready for the test on chapters two and five?"

The class let out a collective groan. Fire Bush assured us it would be alright. I, however, completely forgot about the test and did not study. I knew a great way to help with my studying habits, but I had to get out of class for a few minutes. My hand shot up. Fire Bush rolled her eyes which, looking back, I understand. I was a little shit.

You Indians must have small bladders.

"What is it now?"

I explained that I had to go to the bathroom. Fire Bush sighed.

"Class just started. You should have went in between classes."

I then told her how I did not have time to use the bathroom because my car ran out of gas, I didn't have a clean pair of clothes, and my mom just died. After my machine gun excuses, Fire Bush let me go. I rushed to the bathroom.

Instead of going to the bathroom right next to Fire Bush's class, I ran down to the secluded bathroom at the end of the school. I peaked my head in. Empty. I than walked in and checked the stalls. When I finished my thorough check, I got into one of the stalls and pulled out a joint from my pocket. I lit it up and got deep. I hid the smoke by blowing it down a the flushing toilet. Because physics. After getting good a blazed I returned to class.

In this story, I am played by James Franco.

I opened the door and Fire Bush glared at me for taking longer than I should have. I smiled at her, took my test and sat down. The next four minutes comprised of me starring at the test thinking about how I wished I had some Laffy Taffy. It than hit me; I did not know any of the answers. Mary Jane lied to me. She did not give me any of the answers she promised me. This means I would have to take drastic measures.

Sitting next to me was my a good friend of mine, Rock Band. Rock Band was a really good LDS kid who knew I was a total druggie, gang banger, burn out, but always helped me with my school work and always bummed me a dollar. Rock Band was what all Mormons should be; caring and tolerant. Now it was time for me to take advantage of his hospitality.

I leaned towards Rock Band and started copying his answers. Rock Band knew what I was doing, probably could tell I was under the influence, but moved his paper toward me so I could get a better gander at his answers. I helped myself.

Studying is for chumps and white kids with bright futures.

Just before I finished the test, I felt someone standing over me. I don't know if it was because I was higher than a kite, but I swore I felt the heat radiating from Fire Bush's, well, fire bush. I slowly turned around and looked up at Fire Bush, towering over me with a stern look on her face.

"Are you CHEATING?!"

Fire Bush shrieked. I did not know how to respond. Rock Band tried to explain to Fire Bush that it was his fault and he let me cheat. Rock Band is a great guy. Fire Bush dismissed Rock Band's remarked.

Her anger burned like her fiery bush.

 
"Rock Band, you don't have to cover for him. I know he STOLE your answers."

Fire Bush than preceded to get up in my grill. She wanted to know why I stole Rock Band's answers. The whole class stopped working and watched the drama unfold. This was a problem. I will break it down for you in a math problem:

Me + Intoxication + Audience = Total Dick Bag

Fire Bush asked me again why I stole Rock Band's answers. I looked to Rock Band, who gave me a pleading smile, probably because he knew I was about to do something stupid. Sorry Rock Band. I than looked up at Fire Bush and answered;

"Well, the white man stole my land, so I figured it was fair for me to steal his answers."

Thanks to my ancestors genocide and forced removal, I can pass high school!

Rock Band shook his head, stifling a laugh. Then, the whole class started laughing, which meant I had them. Fire Bush lost. Fire Bush looked around to the class, who then stopped laughing. Looking back, I feel a little bad. Fire Bush was a public school teacher and was not paid enough to deal with this kind of crap. She was at a loss for words. She stuttered and finally chocked out:

"I-I... Go to the vice principal's office!"

I smiled and got up. I waved to the class, which got more laughs and angered Fire Bush, and walked down to the vice principal's office. When I got there, the Vice Principal just got off the phone with Fire Bush. He looked at me, smiled and shook his head. Because of my shenanigans, we knew each other pretty well.

"Welcome back. I heard what you said."

I shrugged with my shit eating grin. Vice Principal laughed.

I'm smiling because you'll be dead in three years.

"Just so you know, I have to suspend you for the rest of the day since you cheated. No biggie. Just don't do it again. Enjoy the rest of your day."

I than asked him if I could use the restroom before I left. He said yes and I ran to the secluded bathroom, checked out the room and lit up.