Mommas, Teach Your Boys How to Fight.

A long while ago I worked at a CD store called Sam Goody. The job was cake and the people I worked with were awesome. The only problem I had with it was the customers. I hate customers. They make most jobs awful.

One night, I was closing by myself and there were two young bros in the store acting like little dickheads, the way young bros do. I was very perturbed by them as it was about time to close and they were just messing around because they apparently had nothing else to do on a Saturday night. I was finally sick of their young shenanigans and told them they needed to leave.

Pictured: Shenanigans.

Bro 1 was very upset that I asked him to stop acting like a frenzied mongoloid and got into my face about it.

"You got something to say to me, bro?"

It was 8:58 and I had worked my second job landscaping that morning. I was very tired and really wanted to go home and smoke some choice wacky tobacky (I used to do drugs back then. Sorry mom.) I tried to explain that  I did not have anything to say to him and I'm sorry if I upset him. Bro 1 must have misconstrued my fatigue for cowardice as I could see him getting off on the power he had over me. Bro 2, who was the lesser of the bros, told Bro 1 that he should lay off and they should bounce. Before they left, Bro 1 turned to me and said,

"If I see you outside; it's on."

I told him he would never see me outside of this store for the rest of his life because I really just wanted to relax. Bro 1 smiled and they left. I shut the store down and saw I needed to take out the trash. I would have left it, but it was overflowing with price stickers, broken CDs and take-out food. This trash could not be ignored. I slowly waddled over to the trash, gathered it up and shuffled out the back to the giant, metal, disgusting compactors.

Sanctuary.

The night air felt refreshing after being in the stuffy CD store and I took a deep breath to savor this small moment and than forgot the rotting grease trap sat out here. Hooray. I walked to the compactor and threw in the trash to feed the dumpster monster. Than I heard a voice from behind me.

"What the hell, bro?"

I let out a sigh and turned around. It was the Brotastic Brothers. Bro 1 was smiling at the thought of giving me a wedgie or feeling me up or whatever it is bros do. They both strutted over to me. Now, I am a pretty big guy and I could tell that Bro 2 could see this and tried to talk his master out of throwing down. Bro 1, however, was blinded by testosterone and wanted to 'bro-down' so hard I could taste the Ax Body Spray oozing from his pheromone holes.

Now I was a bit upset. I really did not want to fight some young punk who wanted to prove how hard his dick swayed. I explained to him that I did not want to fight and that it was a waste of all our times. Bro 1 was angered by this.

"No way asshole. We are doing this!"

Come at me bro.

I let out a sigh and prepared myself for the ensuing fight. Bro 1 was pretty ripped looking and probably worked out quite a bit. I have been in many fights in my life and after sizing this kid up, I knew it was probably going to be a challenge. It was at this moment that God shined upon me,  Bro 1 made his fists. This is where I knew that this fight would end very early, for you see, when making a fist to fight, you never, ever, put your thumb in your fist. Bro 1, however, did just that.

We squared off and I told Bro 1 that we did not have to do this. Bro 2 seconded my plan. Bro 1 told us we were both female reproductive organs. I shrugged and figured if this was going to happen, may as well have some fun, so I egged Bro 1 on by calling him colorful names and guessed his sexual orientation. Bro 1 was seeing red and came at me. He swung his wrongfully formed fist and I stood there and took it.

This how you do not throw a punch.

Bro 1's fist slammed into my face and I heard a large crack. I have to admit, Bro 1 hit me pretty hard and if he knew what he were doing, this would have been a pretty good scrap. After the crack, Bro 1 stumbled back and started to scream in pain, his thumb was completely broken. Bro 2 rushed over to his stupid comrade. Bro 1 yelled at me and asked me what I did to him. I told him that he broke his thumb and he needs to get to the hospital. Against my better judgement, I helped him.

I went into the mall to the Orange Julius where I knew the girl. I asked her for a big cup of ice and she obliged. I took it back to the bros and told Bro 1 that he needs to put his thumb in that and to get to the hospital. Bro 2 helped him back to their car and I returned to finish up the store.

Helping the injured since 2004

A week later, Bro 2 came into the store and thanked me for helping them out and for not beating the ever living crap out of them. I told him it was no biggie as I really don't like jail and that he should tell his friend to learn how to fight before he starts one. He laughed about it and left.