Black Friday part 3: The Final Sacrifice

Driving through the night with our tunes bumping, we made it to Target. Things did not bode well when we pulled up and there was a fist fight over a parking space right in front of us. Skittles' faith in man was fading and I clutched my switchblade. After parking, again, far away, we made our way into the store. We missed the grand opening of their sale and walking through the gutted aisles of Target was like walking through some deserted war zone. Merchandise was scattered all over. Their was an eerie hush as the shoppers were in a long that wrapped throughout the entire store waited patiently to purchase their items. The three of us were distracted by the amazing Nerf section Target had. I do not remember what Nerf guns were like when I was a child, but these new ones were super awesome. They had bolt action sniper rifles, tripod mounted Gatling guns, six barreled pistols, and the amazing list goes on forever. Baby Gorilla decided if anything was coming out of this night, it was going to be a Nerf gun. I would have agreed, but that means we would have to wait in the physically impossibly long line, which means we would miss Best Buy. With tears in our eyes, we laid the Nerf guns down with empty promises to return for them. Skittles and I pulled Baby Gorilla away from the large sniper rifle he was clutching. He finally agreed and the three of us left for Best Buy. 

" Bienvenue à la Target."

The three of us away'd to Best Buy.

Best Buy had all the choice deals and was the reason for the whole night of adventuring. The line to get in was several hundred feet. We parked and decided to wait in the car for the line to die down. Baby Gorilla wanted to know why and Skittles revealed that the reason he did not want to wait was because he was cold. The holes in his pants seemed to have grown. Skittles needed pants. Fast. It was decided that we skip Best Buy for now and head to the mall where American Eagle was having their amazing pants sale. We could not continue our journey if Skittles was losing heat through the holes in his pants, so we reluctantly made our decision. 

There we are.

Quickly to the mall we drove.

Skittles parked the car and we hopped out to wait in line for the midnight opening of the mall. Skittles did a little dance to stay warm as we counted down the seconds for the doors to open. Once they did, Skittles shot out like a bullet inside and straight into American Eagle. He grabbed about seven pairs of pants, as the price was insanely good. He purchased the pants and we all took a bathroom break. Baby Gorilla and I relieved ourselves as it has been a long while and Skittles changed into a pair of his shiny new pants. We felt like new men. Reinvigorated by new pants and empty bladders. It was now time to enter into Mordor.

Back to Best Buy.

The line was down considerably when we showed back up. We got out and waited. The way to eager Best Buy employee was letting in a shoppers groups at a time. After what felt like a eternity, Eager Best Buy Employee opened the rope. The three of us took in a deep breath. Baby Gorilla wished for a Nerf gun. Skittles gripped his pants and I crossed myself with a prayer to our Virgin de Guadalupe. Into the belly of the beast we went. 

"She knows about good deals. AM I RIGHT FELLAS?!"

Inside was a madhouse. There were people everywhere. A cacophony of noise assaulted our ears. In Best Buy, the whole store is set up as one long line and we are forced in like cattle through a long, cheap electronic filled chute. I have to admit, the deals there were unbelievable. Brand new movies for two dollars, TV series for seven, brand new games for twenty. Baby Gorilla started pushing his way to the front of the chute to grab Assassin’s Creed III. Skittles and I went to find the coveted laptop. I asked another employee about where I could find the computers. The employee pointed me to a line where we had to wait. He also added that I needed a ticket. My heart sank. I inquired about said ticket. Apparently the laptop was a 'ticketed' item. These tickets were handed out to the first fifty or so people and are required to buy the ticketed items. Skittles asked if there were any left.

This is where the Best Buy employee shined.

He said that he did not know how many were left and that they may even be out. When Skittles pushed for more information, he said that we would have to wait in line, get to the end and then we would find out. To the computer line Skittles and I went. This line was hell. I assume that when one dies, is judged to eternal damnation, this is the line they wait in before they enter the infernal gates. It was not very long, but it moved very slowly. To compound the agony, the car stereo department was blaring dub-step. Loudly. My ears were being assaulted by the sounds of robots having angry sex. Hell this was. Skittles checked the time, it was twelve forty-five. We waited. And waited. Then we waited some more. Around one-thirty, I asked another employee about the situation on the laptops. I asked if any computers remained because I did not want to wait in line, get the front and then find out there would be no more of the item I wanted. The employee did not know anything. He did not tell us if there were any laptops left. He did not tell us how much longer we would have to wait. He then left. 

There is definitely dubstep playing there.

It was at this moment that I understood why people beat and/or kill people on Black Friday. The noise and the smells hammers your senses. Watching people descend into madness by resorting to physically and verbally abusing their fellow man is only funny for so long. I understand that the employees are overworked, under paid and forced to forfeit their Thanksgiving to deal with angry customers who don't want to shop. They just want to save. At this moment, I wanted to pull my knife and go on the warpath. No one was able to tell us anything of worth. I took a deep breath, calmed myself and went back to waiting in line.

Finally, at two o'clock, we got to the front of the line. Skittles and I hugged. A bearded member of the Geek Squad asked if we had a ticket. I told him that I did not and would just like to purchase the laptop so I could go home and recoup from this night of punishment. Beard-man then told us that he had good news and bad news. The good news was that there were two laptops left and I could get one. High fives all around. Then he dropped the bad news which was that since we did not have a ticket, we had to wait another hour. Reason being, the ticket system reseted every hour and I had to have a ticket to get a laptop. Another hour was what we had to wait. Another bombshell was that if anyone came up to the counter with a ticket to request said laptop, they would get it. I weeped as Skittles and I sat down at the front of the line.

This was where we met a nice young man who had the exact same problem as us only he had been at Best Buy since five that evening. We became good friends as we shared this horrible situation. I realized I still had Baby Gorilla's wallet, so I ran it to him. While walking, I saw two men fighting over a stereo system. They almost broke into fisticuffs, but it was prevented. A sick part of me wanted them to fight. I found Baby Gorilla, told him what was happenin and gave him his wallet. He showed me all the cool things he found which included the ultimate twenty-two Bond film collection on Blu-ray for our good friend Amy Blowfish. I hugged him because I may not live through the next hour and went back to the line. 

I know understand the Roman audience.

I laid down next Skittles and our new friend and waited in what was the longest hour of my life. Every time someone walked up to the counter with a ticket, both of us cringed. Luckily, no one wanted our laptops. Baby Gorilla finished his purchase and came to sit next us. The line began to grow behind us as we counted the seconds. At five minutes to three, we all stood up. Beard-man came up and like Moses parting the Red Sea, he led us to the counter. Our new friend and I skipped up to both counters and we high five'd. We got our laptops. The night was over. We won. Once it was finished, we strutted out of Best Buy into the cold air back to our car. We survived our first Black Friday and looking back it was not to bad.

"Salvation and $100 laptops await."

When we got into the car, Skittles' pants ripped and he hung his head. 

"Damn. It."