Once finished, I got a call from my friend, Baby Gorilla. He wanted to know if partying was in my agenda for the evening. Regretfully, I informed him that it was not and that I was going to spend the evening with my wife, drink some sparkling cider and watch movies. Boring, yes, but I did not care. I was burnt out from working and wanted to actually relax this Christmas Break. I told Baby Gorilla this and he proceeded to insult my sexuality.
Yeah yeah yeah. I love dressing up as a woman of the evening and performing sex acts on senators.
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| Pictured: Me |
I told him to enjoy his night, be safe and only call me if something is horribly wrong.
That was my mistake.
Baby Gorilla cursed my name one more time and hung up. I hopped into my truck and sped home, blasting Jim Croce and singing loudly in joy as the holidays were over. I barely avoided some crotchety old man pulling into my complex. I yelled happy holidays. He flipped me off. All was good in the world.
I ran inside and greeted my smelly lovable dog, Honeybun, with a kiss and a pat on the head. Wifey was laying on the couch, fighting off a cold, and I kissed her head. I was so happy to see her. We chatted as she made tea and I started making dinner. She fed Honeybun and then we sat down to eat. Movies were booted up and my wife and I relaxed on the couch. Honeybun, fat from her meal, crawled up in between us and grunted her satisfaction as I pulled the blanket over her. All three of us. My little family. It was perfect.
It did not last long because the spirits hate me. A lot.
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| Especially the Spirit of the Buffalo. He is a dick. |
My phone buzzed. I ignored it. It buzzed again reminding me that there were people outside my warm bubble. I sighed and looked at it.
Baby Gorilla: yo man i need you to come pickme up from this party ampretty drunk
I shot back: You cant get anyone else?
Baby Gorilla: hell no it newyearseve ad urvyone is partyin pick me up faggg lol
Gritting my teeth: If I do, you owe me. Big. Time.
I waited a moment as he debated owing me. Or he was just to drunk to read my text.
Baby Gorilla: kk hurry up it gettin w1ld
When I looked up from my phone, Wifey looked at me with sad, yet understanding eyes. She knew something was up. I told her that Baby Gorilla needed a ride as he was totally smashed. Wifey let out a sigh.
"Alright, but you owe me. Big."
Honeybun grunted, punctuating the seriousness of the debt I owed. I got up, got dressed and kissed the two. Away into the cold night I went. Baby Gorilla texted the directions and I drove as fast as I could. Angry as I was, I was still a bit nervous. I prayed Baby Gorilla was not hurt.
After about ten minutes of driving, I arrived to the house. It was a rager. Tons of people and music coming from inside. I parked on the street and walked into the house, letting myself in. People were drinking and having a good time.
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| This was how hard the party was raging. |
I hated all of them.
A large noise came from a back room and I made my way there. I walked in to see Baby Gorilla on one side of the room and three other guys on the opposite. This was very familiar. A fight was about to go down. The three guys were yelling angrily at Baby Gorilla who was in turn yelling back, only he was more jovial. He was having a good time. I called to him. Baby Gorilla whipped around and smiled.
"Hey! I am glad you are here. We should get outta this shit hole."
One of the three looked at me and drunkenly asked if I knew him. I told him I did and I was here to pick him up. The guy walked over to me and told me that was a good idea as they were about to kick his ass. I assured him we would get out now. Baby Gorilla yelled he would leave, but he first had to use their restroom. The three of them looked amongst each other a bit confused. Finally, they agreed. Baby Gorilla could use the bathroom, but right after that he was out of there.
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| A good ol' fashion Bro-Down. |
Baby Gorilla and I started out and he asked where the truck was. I told him. He nodded, thinking. I had a bad feeling. He told me to wait out at the truck and he would meet me there after he used the can. Walking out, my bad feeling got worse. When I reached the truck, I stared up at the stars and was reminded how beautiful nights like theses were.
I was whipped back into reality when I heard loud cursing and crashing from inside the house. I turned around to see Baby Gorilla laughing loudly. Carrying a Christmas tree over his shoulder like some deranged lumber jack. The three guys were behind him. Remember, all of them were very inebriated, so they stumbling around. Baby Gorilla almost fell at least three times in the short ten yards to my truck.
When he arrived, he threw the tree into the back and yelled at me to drive. I hopped in and tore ass down the road. The three guys drunkenly yelling in my rear view mirror as we drove away. Baby Gorilla was laughing the whole time. I gritted my teeth. It was twenty minutes to midnight and I was out driving around with a giant drunken hyena. This was when Baby Gorilla stopped laughing and slowly turned to me, eyes wide with a maddened glee.
"We need to got to the desert."
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| This is where I wanted to spend my New Years. |
I was about to argue, but then thought otherwise. Baby Gorilla and I are about the same size, which is big. He, however, was fueled by alco-fuel. He won this time. I agreed and into the cold desert we went.
After about ten minutes of driving, we arrived in the moonlit frosty wasteland and parked the truck in a valley. We both stepped out into the biting cold, my breath was coming out in thick white puffs. I did not see my New Years ending in a frozen desert. Baby Gorilla grabbed the tree and threw it to the ground. Was this it? We were going to just leave the tree out here like two inept mob soldiers who do not know how to properly dispose of a body.
Baby Gorilla then revealed a bottle of lighter fluid from his jacket with a Cheshire grin. Looks like we were a step up from inept wise guys. I laughed. Baby Gorilla dosed the tree with the entire bottle. He pulled a lighter and lit a bit of paper on fire, tossed it on the tree and we watched the tree light up. Suddenly, a Coke appeared in front of me. Baby Gorilla revealed that he had stolen lighter fluid and the Coke along with the tree. He told me how he knew how much I like Coca-Cola. I thanked him. Even being a drunken mongoloid, Baby Gorilla was a good friend. I thanked him.
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| Watch out for the vomit |
I popped the top and heard the delicious fizz. I took a sip. Even on a night so testicle shrinkingly cold, a Coke tasted delicious. I turned to Baby Gorilla, the fire light dancing across his face and asked him what happened in the house. He took a deep breath and told me that those 'assholes' got mad at him when he started to relieve himself on their carpet. When they started chasing him, he found the lighter fluid in the kitchen, along with the soda, and pocketed them on his way out.
I stared at him a bit dumbfounded.
"Happy New Years!"
It was midnight. He hugged me and told me how grateful he was for me as a friend. I was touched. He smiled, took a step back and threw up. Violently.
I sighed, "I love you too buddy."
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| The magic of friendship. |
